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Sports Briefs: The Music Men
Brad: Band, ten-HUT! "One-two-band-pride!" Gosh, I love marching
bands, I was in one--senior sousaphonist. Yes, I had the big brass tuba, and I loved it. I loved playing at the high school
games, playing the fight song, the alma mater, and of course, "Script Ohio"!
Joe: Sorry, but playing the kazoo in the marching band doesn’t make you a musician.
Brad: The sousaphone is a special instrument in that when somebody looks down
on the field at the halftime show, you see the instrument before you see the player. It is always heard; plus, you get
to do tuba dances!
Ralphie: I think even the marching band
has standards.
Brad: Yeah, tuba dances! Each high school
had different names for them, but they were all the same. "Magics" were when we spun the instrument behind
out backs, "Double Magics" where we used the momentum on the upswing to make a second wrap, and one I invented,
"Multi-Magics," where we used a half spin to do it over and over and over. My record is 26 spins!
Chris: Just imagine the euphoria Professor Harold Hill would feel
if he met Brad.
Joe: I never quite understood the marching
band and sports connection. Was the marching band formed to give the non-athletic kids an opportunity to step on the field?
Heck, they even took out the running part and had them march, so the gangly, clumsy kids wouldn’t trip all over each
other. It’s almost enough to make a person feel sorry for the uncoordinated, and often tone-deaf, clods.
Ralphie: I dunno, sometimes they're ok.
Chris: Actually, every sport is made better by the presence of a marching band. Instead of enjoying ballads from
1997's chart-topping CD, "Jock Jams," while observing an empty field or court, having a marching band nearby
playing live music (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) gives fans a chance to gawk at whatever uniforms the band is wearing.
Not to mention that when our high school football teams were consistently losing games by six touchdowns, the marching band
was the only enjoyable aspect of the evening, even if band members resembled a Zsa Zsa Gabor costume party.
Brad: Marching bands are all about getting the fans into a frenzy and playing songs
that remind everybody to support the team. It's a proven fact that march cadences keep people awake--something to do with
sound frequency. If we didn't play at games, who would do the national anthem? The alma mater? The fight song? Who
would keep the half of the fans (that didn't go to the snack bar or bathroom) entertained for 20 minutes?
Ralphie: I think they entertain the crowds. I dunno about the players.
Joe: What do you know? Your great-great-great-great-great
grandfather wasn’t even born when John Philip Sousa was being trampled by the athletic kids outside his one-room schoolhouse.
I think the sole purpose of marching bands at sporting events is to raise the athletes’ confidence level. No matter
the score. No matter the pain and suffering they endure on the playing field. The athletes can take solace in knowing that
they are better than the band playing in the stands.
Chris:
Would it be self-defecating to disagree with you on that last point?
Joe: I was asked to join the marching band once. Turns out the uncoordinated, unathletic geek accidentally mistook
me for a fellow uncoordinated, unathletic geek. After I punched him in the ear, then marched on his neck, the band geek realized
his error and never bothered me again with such nonsense.
Brad:
At least modern bands didn't wear kilts! How's that for "Nancy Boy"!You know, the movie "Drumline"
killed marching bands singlehandedly. Before that movie the bands were balanced and fun; afterwards, it became all about drum
sticks hitting things to rap beats that just got crazy, with no attention to musicality. Drummers who wanna be flashy are
totally annoying; nobody wants to play tuba anymore cause they'd rather bang sticks together!
Chris: I played drums . . . while dressed as a cowboy . . . let's move on.
Joe: Didn’t you make the JV marching band five straight
seasons? If I was in a band, I’d play electric guitar.
Ralphie:
Electric guitar!!
Joe: That guy always gets the chicks.
Oh, and if I was in a band, it wouldn’t be in a marching band. Those guys never get the chicks.
Ralphie: Those who can't play march.
Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four. Their weekly column is posted on Tuesdays. Find out more about
the real writers and read their solo columns on their individual pages.
Note: That is Brad playing the tuba and
dotting the "I" in the pictures in the righthand column.
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